Porcupine Quills

Yep, you read that right. After a very happy and peaceful first couple of months in the beautiful state of Vermont, the ever curious Sterling encountered his very first porcupine. It did not go well, for any of us really. I watched my dog repeatedly nuzzle at the poor thing before intervening, and let me tell you, those things are sharp!

Long story short, he’s fine, the vets were terrific, but all this got me thinking a lot about well, I suppose just general existence and the paradoxical nature of things. Not sure how familiar folks are with the structure of porcupine quills, but they are actually a series of consecutive hollow tubes, so when they get lodged in, and in the case of my guy continuously pawed at, there is only so much the vets can do, the rest the body needs time to push out on it’s own. So we have had to wait and monitor, and then carefully and painstakingly pull them out, which, gross, but also an interesting metaphor.

Full disclosure, this was probably one of my least favorite experiences ever, which might inform my desire to erase all traces of this event from my life as soon as possible, but I am in a bit of a rush. Not that I enjoy this procedure, I don’t have a phobia of needles per se, but definitely a strong aversion that makes the notion of no longer having to do this very appealing. The sooner all the suckers are out the better, and I have been tracing over his body with an almost meticulous anxiety.

Sterling is really, really tough. With the exception of nosing the porcupine in the first place, also usually very wise and available to teach the lessons I need to learn in a way so perfect i have long stopped questioning it. While he would never bite me, he has snarled when I rush the process, When I rush to find the fix without giving nature it’s due respect, he does his due diligence and puts me back in line with the universe I belong to. He licks at the wound to push it out slowly, then comes to me when it is time and we work together to relieve the pressure. Not when I want to or when he does, but when it’s time.

Some of my favorite clients do this, and my very best friends, and I am learning to do it for myself as well. I have a tendency to be capable but a bit rushed, to charge ahead not blindly, but perhaps in a bit of a blur. Most of the time it works surprisingly well, sometimes it really doesn’t. Sometimes it’s my body seizing up to let me know I have failed to listen when it’s spoken softly. This used to upset me, throw me resentful against the boundaries of my own humanity. Now I try to trust the process, to listen carefully and divert if needed instead of just stubbornly pushing to an arbitrary finish line. To balance my need to fix the now with my very real desire, need even to live to fight another day. Both literally and metaphorically.

Sometimes a client tells me I have missed the mark on an interpretation or intervention, sometimes dramatically. Oftentimes this is a human in desperate need of practice in self advocacy, in finding and creating room for their own truth and I am immensely grateful that my chaotic flaws create a safe place for them to do it. Never has this been more true than in a pandemic, when everything is so very urgent and also so very wrong. When the very fabric of what it means to be healthy or successful of even kind has been torn apart and we are all struggling back to what it means for us as individuals and communities.

So I suppose I end this like I end many things, reminding myself and others to listen to the wisdom of nature, of the human spirit, and when that fails, of my dog. Maybe with a little more caution to begin with, but as we all know things go wrong even in the best planned scenarios. All that needs mending will mend in good time, breath, lick wounds as needed, and when you are good and ready, full steam ahead.

It's been crazy busy, and I continue to be blown away by the amazing people I work with and the incredible work they do. So much so that I was moved to poetry.

Don’t go to therapy

Don’t go to therapy, unless you are ready for your soul and life to really change.

Don’t go to therapy if you can’t bear to give up your rigidity, your insistence on being right at any cost.

If an illusion of contentment if more alluring than a chance at actual fulfillment.

Don’t go to therapy if you want your world to stay small and safe and comfortable.

For friends and strangers to remain a voluntary engagement at your own convenience.

If you don’t want to have to think about how you affect the world and people around you.

Don’t go to therapy for your spouse, your children, your probation officer, or even for yourself.

Because if it works, if you really want it to, the you that will come out will be radically different.

Your understanding of your past, present and future self will shift in a hundred different ways.

Some will help you fall in love with yourself and the world in a way you never thought possible.

Others will absolutely break you heart into more pieces than you can ever hope to count.

Don’t go to therapy unless you are ready to march through the doors that hold the worst parts of you.

We will support you, will hold the door open, we will walk with you, as we have been trained to do.

But you are going to have to walk in, however slowly, walk; eyes open, mind critical and heart engaged.

Take as long as you need to get there, but please know there is really no turning back.

You can’t unlearn the things you have discovered, or return the responsibilities you have taken on.

You can’t make your heart smaller, your will weaker, and if you truly don’t want to, then by all means…

Go.

Being Comfortable with Discomfort (or in the very least non-judgmental)

While working through a particularly thoughtful client’s anxiety around phone calls, she reported feeling uncomfortable with not knowing for sure how the conversation will go. Given that she calls me every week with the explicit purpose of being asked challenging questions, I thought this warranted further explorations and at one point found myself saying that part of the purpose of therapy is to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before in mindfulness stuff.”

Nothing against the cult of mindfulness, ok, maybe a little against the cult part, but this reaction did not inspire confidence. I can do better, we can do better. Being uncomfortable is inherently, well, not comfortable and I worry that this phrase is more pathologizing and rubbing salt on the wound then helpful.

Then I thought some more about this young woman, and the palpable tension that I felt, even over the phone in our earlier session that lately has turned into the sort of collaborative curiosity that is one of the greatest rewards of the work I do.

Discomfort is where we grow, into ourselves and our world, it’s where we are stretched and challenged and come out stronger and better, but that lump in our throat is not be ignored, or dismissed, we actually can’t just make it go away.

The best we can do is lean in, get curious and treat the discomfort with respect instead of judgement. We can get to know it, ask it what it needs and work to move past it with the knowledge it’s there for a reason.

So no, you can’t be comfortable with being uncomfortable anymore than a fish can walk , and there is nothing wrong with that. But accepting this and letting go of any pressure to be otherwise actually seems to be the first step towards the next best thing, possibly even a better thing; acceptance of discomfort and the ability to manage it.

What to Expect in Session

"What can I expect in a session with you?"

Such a seemingly simple question, but speaking to a potential client earlier today was the first time I’ve heard it so directly. I thanked them for a great question, and then responded as best I could without preparation. I like what came out, and stand by it after having had the evening to reflect.

“Well, I’m curious by nature and made more so by training. My plan is to get really curious about what your goals are, as well as barriers keeping you from getting there. My hope is that by satisfying my curiosity you will also get a little clearer yourself, and then we can work together to find ways through or around the barriers and move closer to your goals.”

Figured it was worth a share, just in case anyone else has similar questions.